PLAYAH!
In the aftermath of the information and communication revolution adultery has become more difficult than ever. An undeleted text message or flirty Facebook comment can reveal a cheater’s tryst to their significant other in an instant.
Cheetahs are cool.
Long gone are the days of the ‘Mad Men’, when an adulterer could ‘stay late at the office’ 5 days of the week and still return to an adoring wife. In the 21st century a cheater needs to be as cunning as a spy and as thorough as CSI. But fear not, help is at hand for every love-rat out there. Here are 12 gadgets that help you cheat on your girlfriend.
12. Tracking Device
This isn’t an IPod.
Unless your partner happens to be in prison (or in a coma) there’s always a chance that she could bump into you while you’re in the arms of another woman. To remedy this you need to know her whereabouts at all times. Luckily most women never leave the house without a purse, so a simple solutionto locate your lady is to have a hidden transponder placed inside her bag.
Hide in here. The tracker that is. You won’t fit.
The ‘TrackItNow’ Tracker is a great little gadget; a GPS locater with SMS service, simply text the device and it will reply with your loved one’s exact coordinates. And for Smartphone and PC users the device can provide a live update via Google maps.
11. Spy Camera
Do not swallow.
Should you wish to keep an eye on your lady lover, to ensure you know just where she is, why not disperse a few spy cameras about the place? The smallest camera (available to the public) is the minuscule SMART-i-Wireless-Spy-Camera developed by Smart Witness. Smaller than a golf ball the SMART-i can stream a colour 640×480 pixel image to any PC or Smartphone. It’s just like being Big Brother.
The ultimate peeping tom.
10. Hidden Microphone
They’re talking about YOU!
Lady’s love to chat and that’s a fact. If your nearest and dearest has suspicions about your infidelity then her friends will be the first to know. But how do you eavesdrop on those private conversations? Simple, with every policeman’s friend and every criminal’s feared foe ‘the wire’. Hidden microphones are a simple and incredibly cheap option for listening in.
This is not an aspirin.
You can pick up an Omni-Directional Sub-Miniature Microphone for less than the cost of a cup of coffee, and at less than 1cm in length and depth you won’t have to worry about it being discovered.
9. Robotic Vacuum Cleaner
Little known fact: women always have a magnifying glass with them.
In a relationship, as in court, without evidence they can’t prove anything. So leave no trace behind. Ensure evidence of your adultery is carefully tidied away. Of course you could simply clean up after yourself but what if you don’t have time to wash the lipstick off your collar and vacuum the hairs off your bed? That’s where the robot vacuum cleaner comes in.
Roomba: Man’s new best friend.
Roomba are currently the most popular make of cleaning robot. They even have inbuilt air fresheners. Everything, to the merest whiff of your betrayal, can be removed.
8. Disguises
Must try harder.
Scientists have yet to invent a type of plastic surgery that is cheap, quick, painless and easily reversible. Until they do why not disguise your appearance (therefore rendering your adultery undetectable) with a profusion of professional prosthetics?
Women love elderly nuns.
Pop on (or take off) some glasses, add a few fake scars, a moustache, some coloured contact lenses and you’ll be unrecognisable even to your loved ones.
7. Voice Changer
You’ll feel like a rock star with this kit.
When organising your next illicit rendezvous a good alibi is a must. A doctor’s appointment or business meeting can provide the perfect cover for your affair. But women are a suspicious sort so having someone from ‘the doctor’s’ call your home can add weight to your alibi. You could get a confidant to do this but the more people you involve in your scam the greater the chance of failure. So simply perform the call yourself with the aid of a voice changer.
She’ll never know it’s you.
There are a variety of voice modifiers and voice modification software packages available but many of these will simply make you sound like a malfunctioning answering machine. Purchase a professional voice changer, such as the TVT PRO, and you’ll be safe in the knowledge that your lady love will never suspect your scam.
6. AshleyMadison.com Smartphone App
Contents may not accurately reflect packaging.
Cruising clubs and bars for your next adulterous affair can be a time consuming business and the longer you’re out in the open, the greater the likelihood you’ll be caught. Enter AshleyMadison.com, launched in 2001; this is a dating service specifically for people wishing to have an affair.
Who are you voting for?
With over 12 million members worldwide there’s a lot of scope for seduction. AshleyMadison.com provides members not only with all the benefits of a regular dating service but they’ve also designed discreet apps that delete your chat history, covering your tracks should your girlfriend get hold of your phone. This is cheating for the 21st century.
5. License Plate Flipper
James Bond will be jealous.
So you’ve taken your bit on the side to a sleazy motel for a midday meet. Unfortunately for you your girlfriend happens to pass by and see your car outside. At first she rationalises that there are hundreds of cars that look just like yours. But on reading your L0V 2 CH8 personalised number plate, she realises her fears are founded and bursts into your motel room, ruining your rendezvous.
Strapping this kind of ‘flipper’ to your car is likely to attract attention.
This all could have been avoided with a little foresight and a nifty license plate flipper. These easy-to-install gadgets hide your license plate at the flip of a switch rendering your car incognito and leaving your lady ignorant of your indiscretions.
4. Noise-Cancelling Microphone
This is called the ‘Gooseneck’, which apparently is ‘not’ a euphemism.
Clubs are agreat place to pick up potential partners, but a terrible place to take a phone call, especially if you told your significant other you were working late. Even if you answer in the toilet the deep thud of the bass blasting through the walls will give your location away.
Don’t answer it!
That is unless you’re speaking through a noise-cancelling microphone. A microphone such as the Shure 562 Gooseneck will cancel out any background noise and ‘faithfully’ transmityour voice, and only your voice.
3. Tigertext
Don’t end up like Tiger Woods, use Tiger Text.
Texting can be the downfall of any cheater. Sending a message to the wrong girl or forgetting to delete a revealing message can lead to your lover leaving you. Thank technology for Tigertext. This awesome app allows users to recall texts after they’ve been sent, set self-destruct time limits on received messages and create private groups that only you can view.
Don’t get caught. It’s upsetting.
Tigertext means that your secret double life can stay exactly that, secret.
2. All-In-One Spray
Also for use in cases of adultery.
When asked what no cheater should be without, most people might think of a change of clothes, a second phone or even a secret Swiss bank account. Of course we know better. We know that the number one item that every adulterer should have in their arsenal is a eucalyptus oil spray.
Koalas never get caught cheating.
This wonderful all natural extract is not only antibacterial, removing any unwanted infection before it has time to spread, but will also remove any odour and replace it with a natural, inconspicuous scent. Available in handy pocket-sized dispensers this all-in-one spray is the ultimate cheating aid and costs less than a cup of coffee.
1. A Robot Double
Creepy. In stereo.
In the future we can look forward to flying cars, laser guns and of course, robots. When man has finally mastered the finer points of cybernetic construction the entire world will change. There will be no more need for human labour, wars will be a matter for machines and you’ll be able to have an identical robot double constructed with which to fool your girlfriend.
It’s only a matter of time before the machines take over.
This may sound like a flight of fancy but Professor Hiroshi Ishiguro from Japan (of course) has already developed a freakishly life-like robot double, which stands in for him when he can’t make it to the classroom. Just imagine it, while you’re off on your adulterous escapades, seducing a slew of women, your robot double is at home doing your chores and making sure your girlfriend is none the wiser.
January 25, 2012
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